did you hear?

[Wargasm]

Just to break the sex joke monotony

 

tommy - Father?

dad - What is it son

tommy - Is there a christian flea?

dad - What on earth put that idea into your head?

tommy - The preacher read today from the bible "The wicked flee when no man pursueth"

dad - That just means that the wicked men flee

tommy - Oh, is there a wicked woman flea?

dad - No, no. It means that the wicked flee's, runs away

tommy - Why do they run?

dad - Who?

tommy - The wicked flea's

dad - No tommy, it means that the wicked man run's when no man is after him.

tommy - Oh...is there a woman after him?

dad - Tommy, go to bed

[Guest Major_Chaos]

hey!....................what's wrong with sex jokes?

[Wargasm]

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom." :rotfl:

[Dragon]

Ok, back to the sex jokes.

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

 

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

 

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

 

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

 

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

 

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

 

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

 

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

 

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

 

 

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

Dragon

[Nemesis]

Very nice

 

-- Nem

[Wargasm]

Whats this Nem? Thats it?....just trying to bring up his number of post's.

 

 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

[Guest Major_Chaos]

hey wait, i saw that movie, only it wasn't a "breathalyzer" that the cop gave her

[Nemesis]

Whats this Nem? Thats it?....just trying to bring up his number of post's.

 

 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Sorry Wargasm, I didn't have any funnies @ the time of my post, otherwise I would've said more.

 

-- Nem

[Wargasm]

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home :bonk:

 

The blond was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As

she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his

money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he

got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next

day the blond was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she

was there to donate blood. The blond could only shake her head, as her

cheeks were bulging. :rotfl:

[Dragon]

A grade A score

 

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on

final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

 

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam

paper contained the question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

 

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate

are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.

 

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there

are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more

than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

 

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at

which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until

all Hell breaks loose.

 

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan

during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;

...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

 

The student got the only A.

 

Dragon

[Nemesis]

The FINAL Test

 

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them

to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and

beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

 

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told

that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be

ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

 

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

 

She proceeded down the line with the same response

from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).

 

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell

clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and

bent over to pick it up.

 

Then, all the other bells started ringing..........

 

 

-- Nem :rotfl:

[Wargasm]

What a sick mind. Makes me never want to go to church.

 

These People Must Be Blond !!!!!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

(Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

(As night follows the day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? My God!)

[Wargasm]

I guess you guys ran out of jokes.

 

A Microsoft Joke

 

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

 

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

:rotfl:

[Wargasm]

Here's a few computer cartoons you might find amusing

PC Funnies

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

**************************************************

User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

 

Machines don't save you from doing more labor, they just save your employers from paying for more labor.

 

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

:rotfl:

[Guest Major_Chaos]

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

 

2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?

 

3. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?

 

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

6. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

8. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

9. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

10. What do you call male ballerinas?

 

11. Can blind people see their dreams?

 

12. Why ARE Trix only for kids?

 

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

14. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker?'

 

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

16. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

 

18. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

19. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

 

20. Why do the alphabet song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?