Guest Major_Chaos Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 Did you hear about the guy that ate his baby? no? He didn't know his wife was pregnant! got a good joke? post it HERE. lets get some good ones going Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B.Ob. Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 How many peeps does it take to win? One, as long as its Major_Chaos and he's on the other team..... Couldn't resist... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 I remember back in 1992 I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe." Dragon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major_Chaos Posted April 22, 2004 Share Posted April 22, 2004 A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says... "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conan4Life Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 an Irishman walks out of a bar 2 guys walk into a bar, a third ducks a piarate, a rabi, and a priest walk into a bar, the bartender says "what is this a joke!" a blond, burnet and a red hed are running from nazis in ww2, they go in to a train car, and hide in sacks, the nazis souround the car and enter. they come the where the hed head is hideing and pokes her so she barks, they guess its a dog. they get to where the burrnet is hideing, poke her she meows, they guess its a cat. they get to where the blond is hideing and poke her and she says potatoes. a piarate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel strangly attached to groin area, the ever studious bartender says "hey buddy, you got a stearing wheel stuck to you crotch", the piarate returns with "Yarr, its driveing me nuts!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 One day a boy comes home from school and says, "dad i need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realisticly for school." so the father replies, "go ask ur mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars." so the little boy go's and asks and sure enough she says yes. his dad says ok now go ask ur sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. so he does and sure enough she says yes. so the father says, u see son hypothetically we are sittig on 2 million dollars but realisticly we are living with a couple of whores." Dragon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParoxysM Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 a piarate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel strangly attached to groin area, the ever studious bartender says "hey buddy, you got a stearing wheel stuck to you crotch", the piarate returns with "Yarr, its driveing me nuts!!" a piarate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel strangly attached to groin area, the ever studious bartender says "hey buddy, you got a stearing wheel stuck to you crotch", the piarate returns with "Yarr, that's where she blowz!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Reasons it's good to be a man Movie nudity is virtually always female. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter. You can open all your own jars. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. The National College Cheer leading Championship. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest. You can be President. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. One mood, all the time. Dragon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemesis Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 It's GOOD to be a MAN!!! -- Nem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemesis Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 How many peeps does it take to win? One, as long as its Major_Chaos and he's on the other team..... Couldn't resist... I'm laughing so hard I'm practically crying!!! Good one B.Ob.!!!!! -- Nem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemesis Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 And to help keep the "posting" joke ball rolling... Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father. "The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'" ******************************* A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" ******************************** -- Nem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major_Chaos Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 15 reasons why chocolate is better than sex? 1.You can GET chocolate. 2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 4.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 5.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 6.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 7.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 8.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 9.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 10.With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 11.You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 13.You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 14.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake 15.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major_Chaos Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "#$%@ YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer #$%@ you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobsbrat Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major_Chaos Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, " If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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